Heart Machine meets Hollywood

Tonight I went with Matt to go check out the Heart Machine (http://http://www.myspace.com/heartmachinemusic) show at Bar Lubitsch (http://www.yelp.com/biz/bar-lubitsch-west-hollywood)in downtown West Hollywood. It was an absolutely great experience. The venue is relaxed, cozy, and svelt. When I walked inside, it made me feel a bit like a russian mobster - everything from the signage on the walls to the 8-page vodka menu, to the "house cocktails" available screamed "MOTHER RUSSIA!" to me. I was enamored by the overall feel of the bar. It was far from your hipster dive, selling Bud Light and PBR. I was free from all the backwards-cap wearing bros that seem to inhabit every dive in Fullerton. Thank goodness for variety! I enjoyed three vodka tonics over the course of the evening. I usually go with Effen vodka, a vodka from Holland comparable to Grey Goose. Effen is smoother and has less bite (and is less trendy, which we all know is the trendy thing to do. God save me!). However, because they had such an immense sampling of vodkas from around the world, I asked the bartender to force me out of my rut and to let me try some new things. My first vodka was a traditional Russian vodka (I really should have gotten the names of all of them. For now my descriptions will have to suffice). It was a two-grain vodka. It was scentless, as all vodkas should be, and had just a bit of bite. With very little aftertaste, the vodka was what I would expect from a Russian vodka - swift and to the point. From there we tried a potato vodka. This round was much more smooth than the first, but lacked any real consistency whatsoever. If it hadn't been for the buzz, I wouldn't have even noticed that I was drinking alcohol at all. Although some may see the lack of flavor as favorable (and typical of a potato vodka), I want something more from my drinks when I'm paying more per drink than I would at Starbucks. My final vodka tonic for the evening featured a (yet again) russian vodka that had been infused with various herbs and spices. The initial flavor did nothing, but after only a sip, a pleasant surpise graced my tastebuds! Its smooth and surprising cinnamon and clove taste was electric. That was the second of my two regrets for the evening: that I didn't have more time to consume my thrid vodka tonic. I could have stretched that one over the better half of an hour. Vodka is nice and all, but that isn't why we're here; I just wanted to share a bit of that with you before we taled about Heart Machine 2.0.

Heart Machine 2.0 is still led by Doug Button with Eric on percussion. As Megan has had to move on to other endeavors - focusing on grad school and her work with Una and Geneveve has stepped aside, Doug has brought in two other female performers to try their best to fill the large void left by Gen and Megs. Lauren is the tall, dark haired, and talented violinist. Although she had only two rehearsals before the performance, she did a wonderful job in her role. Her performance reminded me of times when Megan performed with Heart Machine - quality performance, heart felt, high quality, and crystal clear. I was sad that we have lost Megan's vocals - the duets in certain songs really drive them home. Geneveve's replacement goes by the name of Janessa. She, like Doug is a guitarist. She reminds me of a Janis Joplin - mello and laid back nearly all the time. Her long, dark hair and slight stature sneaking in and out of the scene perpetually.

Even with the new components, Heart Machine's perfomance this evening was absolutely amazing. They did a great job with the minimal set. There was something present that sets Doug apart from his contemporaries. This man is not just a guitarist and a vocalist with an impressive range - this man is an artist. He has taken skills such as singing and playing to a new level, incorporated his heart and soul, and found a outlet to express his passion. Listening to Doug and Heart Machine this evening caused me to realize the poingient difference between an artist and a guitarist. I play guitar. I have the skills and capacity. I can play most things laid out before me with little to no problem. Doug, however, is an artist. To think that he will only get better with time is a daunting concept. His lyrics are tight and expressive - more so than even the very word is capable of being. His chord changes, picking, and flow are varied, lively, and engaging.

I must admit, I'm spoiled. Every week or so, I get to be around for Heart Machine's rehearsals and listen in on their works-in-progress. I get to talk with Doug as he goes through things in his life. I get to be privy to the struggles and the joys. Even without all of this insider information, I could still get riled up and energized by songs such as "Rockin'" and "Gotta Get Outta This Town." The bonus was the free CDs at the end of the show. Although some of the recordings are older, I found them to be more than merely nostalgic. I love listening to Doug wail away. His vocals are a blend between Bob Dylan and Thom Yorke of Radiohead, while his guitar-ing (how would you write that?) was likened to a mix of Tom Petty and Jack Johnson. I'm thankful to be here as Doug continues his art, and moves further and further beyond his peers in the music scene.

Doug - my prayers are with you as you continue out on your Heart Machine venture - God Bless!

-David

(Double Deuce!)

Can't Escape Your Past

The problem with morality is the ethics involved. You hold yourself to a certain standard, or at least boast that you do - and if you have any sense of morality, you need to live up to that standard. I've done my fair of shady dealings in the past, and I've decieved more than a handful of people.

Coming clean about all of this has been an extremely cathartic experience. I'm so glad to have shed the baggage of deceit. Once again in my life I am experiencing what it is to be free. I used to hide myself behind my pride, but now I realize that my relationships with others are far too important for me to jeopardize because of my self love. A quote I recently heard, which is quickly becoming my favorite is from St. Augustine. He was recorded as saying, "There can only be two basic loves, the love of God unto the forgetfulness of self, or the love of self unto the forgetfulness of God." I can't believe that I actually putmyself before God for so long. Now that I have better perspective on the issue, I can't go back. I can see myselfishness for what it is, and am happy to be free from it on the aforementioned level.

God is too important. I haven't told everyone my "big secret" that I was sitting on for the better of five years, but if you're interested, call me up. I'd be more than happy to apologize to you, humble myself at your feet and ask your forgiveness.

But the bottom line today? I am not that man anymore. I am a man who has recognized his mistakes, and is more focused on seeking God than I have been in years. Praise the Lord for his tender mercies and forgiveness!

Californication

I wasn't quite sure what the issue was. My roommate Scott and I were driving back from the grocery store, and we passed by (idled by, more like it. Ridiculous traffic.) a billboard for Shotime's program "Californication." We got into a discussion of all the trash that is on TV now a days, and somehow it shifted to the word itself, Californication. Those of you with word processors will note that the "word" Californication has one of those bright red squiggly lines beneath it. "Squiggly" doesn't even get one of those. It was my understanding that Californication isn't even a real word. Its the title of the Red Hot Chili Pepper's 1999 album, the title track, and also of David Duchovony's tv show on Shotime. Scott, however, had a completely different perception of the word and its meaning.

He is from New York, and recently moved out to California to attend Talbot seminary. He insisted that Californication was, in fact, a real word. More so, it held reliable and consistent meaning and connotation universally. Such a thing blew my mind. "Californication" has never held any real context or meaning. After Scott pulled up some definitions off of urbandictionary.com, he seemed to have a point. The word did in fact have some loosely understood definition. I had to know - was I just ignorant, or was this a cultural thing? In order to figure this whole conundrum out, I inquired of twenty friends what their understanding of "Californication" was. I made sure to get as broad a spectrum of friends as possible; Christian and non-Christian, male and female, those groudned secularly and those raised in the church, those raised in California and those who weren't, as well as those who are currently living outside of California and within.

Before moving on, let's clarify one thing: urbandictionary.com is by no means an authority. However, it is a conglomoration of ideas from across the globe at defining slang terms. In this particular instance, it happened to show support for Scott's concept of what "Californication" meant.

From the twenty-two individuals surveyed (we included Scott's opinion and my own), only three people came up with a definintion similar to the one presented online. There was Scott, one friend of his from New York, and Justin Griffin. Everyone else who responded to the question came back with very little input, ranging from "gay sex" to "the things you do that would only be accepted in California." Several individuals came back with comments to the effect that they didn't feel that the word had any definition, or that they had never really considered it a word. One individual referenced it as nothing more than the song and album by the Red Hot Chili Peppers. The most debaucherous of the responses ws "It means that our states is getting screwed so much that its very name is becoming synonymous with getting screwed."

Urbandictionary.com had this to offer:

Californication	385 up, 58 down
	Western society's pop culture and media encroachment and spread all over the world. In particular, the negative aspects of media and culture originating from within the United States' 31st State: California.

Californication	252 up, 40 down
	The spread and influence of western memes and culture, esp. that of California, across the world. Especially focusing on the selling of sex. Made of the words "California" and "fornication"

The "up" and "down" comments are signs of agreement or disagreement. From the numbers, it looks like about 85% of urbandictionary users can agree that the term Californication has something to do with the spreading of western culture and the obsession with sex, hollywood, and celebrities.

Based on the responses, Californication is not a real word, nor a term. But it does have a somewhat accepted idea behind it, and a disgusting one at that. We can't deny that the entire world is getting caught up in the disillusionment of Hollywood. People are overly-obsessed (that's right overly obsessed) with celebrities and their goings-on. The paparazzi, magazines like US Weekly and tv shows like TMZ are all culprits in this debacle, liquifying the minds of their viewers and readers, feeding the presumed importance of movie stars. Even worse, they are creating in the minds of today's youth the importance of being famous, important, becoming some kind of celebrity. I'm guilty of having had daydreams in my youth of becoming someone famous, but this is something different - we're being fed these thought from every side. Its being treated as something crucial. Something that we should all be wanting.

Californication: our world becoming obsessed with fame, fortune, and celebrities to the extent that we're loosing touch with who we are as a people. We loose ourselves to this faux world of glamor and stardom. I can see now why we don't have any real context for the word, we live within the definition. It is only by living in another culture that is being drowned out by Hollywood's onslaught that such a thing can be seen. Perspective is everything.

*special thanks to Adam de laRiva, Gloriann Boni, Anna Cofman, Leigh Cara Hussman, Ken Shrout, Thomas Ariston, Rad Beauton, Joshua Castleman, Abel Gutierrez, Patrick Grafton-Cardwell, Cody Griffin, Justin Griffin, Scott Ahern, and his friend from New York whose name I've completely forgotten.

Living Life Between the Margins

Eight-and-one-half by eleven. A full sheet of paper with which to craft your works. But that's where you're wrong - you loose a bit on every side. One inch on the sides, and inch and a half on top and bottom? Guides so that we don't get too close to the ends of the paper. Put everything you have neatly inside these prescribed lines and everyone will go home happy. What happens when we start ignoring those margins and claim all of the paper for ourselves?

I'm working with a new piece of paper myself. About five or six weeks ago, I moved down to southern California from Visalia. Its been a refreshing reboot of my systems. There was so much in Visalia that was tied to my past, tied to hurt, memories, and hopes that I was grateful to leave behind. We never leave those things behind, do we? Some of it will linger and reshape our new existence. Nevertheless, we take the good with the bad, and love the life that is lived today. I have so much to be grateful here in my new home. I have four great housemates - Patrick, Matt, Doug, and Scott. I enjoy the times that I get to share with each of them, as they're all polar opposites of one another. Its like going in to Baskin Robins, and getting four scoops of different ice creams - you love it because its ice cream. They don't mix perfectly, but individually they're all great flavors. That kinda makes me wonder what flavor of ice cream I'd be. Hmmm. Outside of the house, I'm still at Starbucks. It is a new feel at every store that I work with. At first things were quite odd because they don't do things quite right there, and it has the tendency to frustrate me to no end. I'm a bit of a legalist and structuralist, and I feel that we do things for a reason because it works best that way. Not to say it doesn't work the way we do it in my new store, but I digress. There's also the friends who live down here already. Megan GC has been down here for years, and so has Justin Griffin (and his new bride, Carrie). Carrie's sister is also down here, Christy, as well as her roommates who are all a lot of fun.

That all barely scratches the surface of what is going on in my life now - for the rest you'd have to be reading between the lines to all the unmentioned people who are dear to me and the phone conversations I've had that continue to shape my perspective and bolster my hope in the ideals Christ spoke of. I'm still writing on this new page I've found, and I like the work that I have done so far. I can see a day in the not-so-far future that I'll have filled up my page with words, works, and self-proclaimed wonders. I can only pray that God sees fit to fill me with more and to make use of all those margins that I'm levaving Him. I suppose that's the metaphor there - I want to be sure to always give God room to work in my life, so that I won't fill it up with me, me, me; that the page can be perfected in Him.

Greatest Creations of Man

Pale in comparison to His creations. The heavens and the earth, mankind, all of life. Everything from the sand on the shore to the feeling we call love. But we create through His inspiration. I have created. I have destroyed. I rejoice in those creations.


Breakfast. My dad always told me it was the most important meal of the day. I didn't start making breakfast until just a few years ago, and I've found that I truly, truly love it. Not just in the eating, I've always enjoyed that. But in the making. Cooking is a delicate art. Breakfast tends to be fairly forgiving, and even when you mess up you still have scrambled eggs. My favorite breakfast that I ever made was french toast. My mom was never a fan, as a child her mother made her eat some undercooked french toast. On this day, however, she encouraged me to make some. In my entire life, I had only known her to eat it once. She told me to go to Save Mart and buy some of their artisan bread. That morning, I made some of the lightest, most crisp, fluffy, and savory french toast I've ever had. My sister and nephew Sebastian ate some as well. Served with powdered sugar and sliced strawberries, it was a delight. I still remember the texture, and don't ever want to forget it.

Lunch. Nothing beats a lunchmeat sandwich. Ham and turkey on honey wheat bread, some chipotle mayonnaise, lettuce, tomato, and provolone cheese. I am always game for a sandwich with a side of chips, an apple, and something tasty to drink... I'm thinking of iced tea. However, there may as well be a second category for lunch, when you're doing it with friends. A hot dog at a baseball game. Toppings of your choice, but there, then, and that is always perfect. I would love to be sharing a baseball game with friends right now - a Dodgers/Giants game at that. Such a thing would be a beautiful.

Dinner. When I got married last year, it turned out that I had more "free" time than Theresa. And becuase I often got home before she did, I took it upon myself to prepare dinner regularly. My favorite dinner to make was discovered early on. Searching through a cookbook for something that sounded delectable, I discovered a pesto baked chicken, with sliced tomato and mozerella cheese melted atop it. Served with some long-grain wild rice and steamed vegetables, it makes for something truly special - perhaps some day I'll prepare it for you! Above and beyond everything else I make, this is my favorite dish to serve anyone, regardless of the things its memory is still tied to; the dish is too good to not share. I hope we can enjoy it soon.

But drinks. The drink is where your meal truly comes together. Even back in the day, when you were in elementary school. You always loved it when they served choccolate milk with lunch, or when your mom packed your favorite Capri-Sun. The rest of it was the same, even if it was E.L. Fudge cookies. But the drink washes it down, tops it off, and brings it all together. There's a different drink for every occasion. My favorite drink that I've ever made has to be a mojito. Raspberry, at that. The mojito is a difficult drink to master, and it takes lots of experience to know just how fine to crush the mint, how much of that lime to juice, the shaking, the mixing, the pour. It has to be perfect. And never neglect the details. Life is lived in the details. Such a thing can't be handled with broad strokes. The first time I made the raspberry mojito, Chris and Amelia Pitts were over visitng. It was a great evening, and my mojitos were unbeatable. I'd take one right now. Its a perfect drink for a warm day, something Visalia has no shortage of.

Dessert. I'll take two. But a good cheesecake is king here. Take your pick of how you want it, I still love it. Which happens to make me quite the sucker for the Cheesecake Factory. Paired with a Riesling, I could find hours of comfortable conversation with anyone who passed my way. Take me to the south of France, let me sit at a cafe, and enjoy the world as it spins.

Today is a very good day. Enjoy this day that the Lord has made, and hopefully soon we can share some of the food that I've had the pleasure of making. Until then, peace be with you!

D-Day

I know that D-Day is traditionally considered June 6th, 1944; the landing of Allied forces on the beaches of Normandy. This is not that D-Day.

This is my D-Day. When Theresa and I filed for divorce 6 moths ago, I felt as if it was the right thing to do, all things considered. We realized that our lives were going in completely opposite directions, and that many of our life choices did not line up in the least bit. In order for both of us to thrive, we needed to do it separately. Some things haven't changed. We still work best as friends and not lovers, now more than ever. I fear that there are certain things I may never be able to fully forgive her of, no matter how much I try to give it up and put it into the past.

If divorce is the outward expression of a broken relationship and a last resort, then it is one taken when there is no more hope for restoration. But if we have no more hope for the relationship, then what does that say about our faith?

Hebrews 11:1 states that "...faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." (TNIV) If the marriage has no hope of restoration... did I sacrifice my faith? Did I fall short? I certainly know that I sacrificed a great deal of my heart. I'm a lesser man because of it. There is an old adage that I'm sure we have all heard, "What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger." The events of the past year certainly haven't killed me - I'm alive and breathing to be sure; but I certainly am not stronger for it. I see myself broken and wounded.

I thank the state for imposing a 6-month waiting period between the filing for divorce and its finalization. The heart needs time to realize the pain that it is in, the much it must endure, the weight it now carries. It reminds me of a scene from the movie, The Neverending Story. Near the beginning, Atreu and his horse travel south to find an old oracle, who turns out to be a giant tortoise. The tortoise lives in the middle of a giant bog. Sadness causes you to loose your footing, and Atreu's horse sinks into the bog and dies becauase it is saddened by knowing there is nothing they can truly do to halt the end of their world. That bog, that swamp - is the world my heart knows having experienced divorce. I can only thank God for the fact that Theresa and I did not have any children.

To every person who has experienced divorce in their life, be it their own, their parents', their childrens' or friends', my heart goes out to you. I would give you all that I have to offer. For all of you who have not gone through it - I pray it will never touch your lives.

Live each day as if it were your last. Never stop loving those around you. Take time to find true joy in your world, and give your troubles to the Lord.

Flying off the shelves...

It's a triple threat of bad situations. On one hand, I'm not finished with my M.Div, so I can only claim that it is in progress. That also leads to #2, I need to work near a Seminary (preferably Talbot, as I don't want to have to go through the application process again; nor do I think I have time to apply anywhere else). Those two things paired with my limited official experience in the ministry is what leads to this coup de gras of my job search.

Regardless, I am determined to find reasonable employment in the ministry. Its what I've felt called to for these past three and a half years, and although my resolve waned earlier this year, I have redoubled my efforts. In the early months of 2009, I thought that I would find real employment in the public market, applying for various PR jobs as well as a few positions with Wells Fargo, Target, etc. With each job application eventually breaking down somewhere before the actual hiring of me, I realized that I had been avoiding applying for an actual job in the ministry. It wasn't until early March that I realized it had been fear crippling me from seeking work for Christ. That isn't to imply that one cannot work for Christ without being employed by the church - far from it.

Now my applications are out there. I've applied with several churches in Southern California as well as a pair in Arizona. I'm told that Phoenix is a beautiful place. I got to spend some time in Scottsdale last year, and loved it there. Only God knows where I'll wind up. There are a few certainties, though. I know that I am going to finish my M.Div. I'll be moving down to Los Angeles at the end of August - an ABSOLUTE latest. I want to be there a few weeks before school starts. Talbot in the fall, there's another thing I can count on. I am looking forward to finishing this formal education of mine, and continuing on with my real-world education, down in the trenches.

So that's it. I must respond in-kind to what I'm facing. I present to you my triple-threat response to what life is dealing me right now. Determination: I will finish my M.Div. Support. I have my friends and my family at my back, helping to see me through. Beyond just the willpower to see things through, I have tangible support from the people that I love. And lastly, God's will. I still believe that it is God's will that I serve in ministry, and I am willing to do whatever it is in His name to see that through.

Strength and Honor,
David