Seasons Change (but you actually see them in NC)

I wish that I had some more photos to share with you. As the temperatures begin to subside here in North Carolina, the trees have begun to shift into vibrant shades of red, orange, and yellow. Each day as I drive down the freeways, I find myself captivated by the sheer, unadulterated beauty of it all. I'm grateful for this place that I find myself.

Certain parts about living in North Carolina make me to feel more at home here than I did in California. I suppose that this place is a romanticized version of California. When people (outside of CA) think of my home state, they think of the ocean, extending for miles upon unending miles, rich redwood forests covering the limitless mountains, and metropolises larger than one could imagine. And of course, all of these ideals are spot-on. Cali does have hundreds of miles of beaches, beautiful forests, and giant cities... but not like here. California also has the dead wastes of the central valley. I was recently playing Fallout 3 over at Abe's house. Walking around in the Capital wasteland of Fallout 3, it reminds me a lot of what the terrain of the central valley is like. Sure, there's life. But there is so much unused and dead space put in there, too. The traffic was horrible, the prices were were set by extortionists, and life moves so damn fast. Not here.

North Carolina is slower. They have the mountains covered in trees. They have the beaches (which I have YET to visit), and they have the metropolises. Living in the triangle (Raleigh, Durham, Chapel Hill area) I have access to everything I could want. I went and visited a beautiful art museum a few weeks back. Amazing works, including a large Rodin exhibit. I must say, I'm not really moved or inspired by his work, but Picasso rocked my world. A week later, I caught a Durham Bulls baseball game (they're the AAA team for the Tampa Bay Rays). Art, sports, nightlife, a great job... this place really does have it all.

There are some things you can't replace. We give names to these things. Sometimes they wear collars and we feed them in a bowl, sometimes they pick us up from the airport. Sometimes its a number and a name, other times it is a smell and a familiar smile. I'm wondering what you do when you leave these things behind.

Stuart, my parents' dog is irreplaceable. Sunnybrook for Life, something Doug, Patrick, and Matt often chanted. Stepping into the local Starbucks where everyone knows your name, what you want to drink, and knows to never charge you for it. I miss my gaming group. Matt, Justin, Josh, Patrick, and even double-deuce on one occasion! There's no making up for these things which are gone. I have some great friends out here. They've blessed me every day since I picked Abe up from LAX. That doesn't mean there isn't an aching in my heart. A slow, prodding pulse of loss that stays with me each day. I can't deny the providence of grace and blessings that have brought me to North Carolina. I know that it was the right move; there isn't a shred of doubt at all. To those who I have left behind, I remember you. I carry you with me as I carry on through my days. You are the ones who remind me of what I paid to be here. You are inspiration for success. If I fail here, the loss would have been in vain. You are all worth so much more than that, I refuse to let it go to waste.

I've met some good guys since moving out here. There are a few guys in the office who can prove to be great friends. Great. But who could ever be a Justin, or a Patrick? None of them share a birthday with me like Doug. None have a passion for life and nerdery like Josh and Matt. What about the passion for sports like Chris or Brent? What about silent, strong confidence and reliability like Jared or Brad? I want my cake, and I wanna eat it too. How about the best of both worlds? I know that I'm struggling to find my place socially and financially while out here.

Its all still foreign to me. It looks like something I might know. Something I will know one day. No matter the landscape; the characters have changed, the lines are different, but I'm still the same. If nothing else, I've been given a chance to be myself in every way possible. No longer held in place by what everyone is used to or can expect from me, I need to be myself to redefine my identity in this middle third of my life. We are rarely given such opportunities, to shed all of our past mistakes and blunders, to build anew from ground zero. I will find my support, redefine myself, and claim a life (no, I'm not going to kill someone). Find something to cling to and hang on for the ride.