I know that D-Day is traditionally considered June 6th, 1944; the landing of Allied forces on the beaches of Normandy. This is not that D-Day.
This is my D-Day. When Theresa and I filed for divorce 6 moths ago, I felt as if it was the right thing to do, all things considered. We realized that our lives were going in completely opposite directions, and that many of our life choices did not line up in the least bit. In order for both of us to thrive, we needed to do it separately. Some things haven't changed. We still work best as friends and not lovers, now more than ever. I fear that there are certain things I may never be able to fully forgive her of, no matter how much I try to give it up and put it into the past.
If divorce is the outward expression of a broken relationship and a last resort, then it is one taken when there is no more hope for restoration. But if we have no more hope for the relationship, then what does that say about our faith?
Hebrews 11:1 states that "...faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." (TNIV) If the marriage has no hope of restoration... did I sacrifice my faith? Did I fall short? I certainly know that I sacrificed a great deal of my heart. I'm a lesser man because of it. There is an old adage that I'm sure we have all heard, "What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger." The events of the past year certainly haven't killed me - I'm alive and breathing to be sure; but I certainly am not stronger for it. I see myself broken and wounded.
I thank the state for imposing a 6-month waiting period between the filing for divorce and its finalization. The heart needs time to realize the pain that it is in, the much it must endure, the weight it now carries. It reminds me of a scene from the movie, The Neverending Story. Near the beginning, Atreu and his horse travel south to find an old oracle, who turns out to be a giant tortoise. The tortoise lives in the middle of a giant bog. Sadness causes you to loose your footing, and Atreu's horse sinks into the bog and dies becauase it is saddened by knowing there is nothing they can truly do to halt the end of their world. That bog, that swamp - is the world my heart knows having experienced divorce. I can only thank God for the fact that Theresa and I did not have any children.
To every person who has experienced divorce in their life, be it their own, their parents', their childrens' or friends', my heart goes out to you. I would give you all that I have to offer. For all of you who have not gone through it - I pray it will never touch your lives.
Live each day as if it were your last. Never stop loving those around you. Take time to find true joy in your world, and give your troubles to the Lord.
hey dave, meg here
ReplyDeleteI just wrote for about 20 min and it all got lost. I'll try to send this and if it works then I'll write again
first: I wish i was closer so that we could hop in the car and get some in-n-out while listening to modest mouse (float on) with the windows rolled down in a moment of pure joy and fun which surpasses all other moments hither to come or that which has gone before.
ReplyDeletesecond: F-what kills makes stronger, it doesnt mean that your not in a coma or a vegatable on life support. There are those who will give you Christian cliches' in order to make themselves feel good but they don't know and cannot understand. I cannot understand what you are feeling and nor do I attmept to try. I envy you though for your friends, they are so much more kick ass than mine ever were. I also envy (in a werid way) your closeness to mom and dad. I only felt more distant from them living in oc, prego and plannig a wedding. They are not always the best at understanding and listening but they are there. I relate to you and Atreu, I often saw myself immersed in the mud and saddened to great extents with no real friend or family to confide in. These are all not the words that I wrote before and I am stabbing at what I think I said, but maybe the jist was that what happends now I dont know. I do know that I had never wanted to be pregnant, I didn't want to marry and I felt as though I was drowing in the mud. I regret beign sad and bitter during my pregnancy and for the first year-ish of sebby's life. that is tiem that I will not get back and have missed out on those first few months of sebby's life. I think what we have going for us is that the faith we live out is what will pull us out of the mud. Your heart and mindset is so much more aligned wiht christ's than mine ever was, your heart is more gentle than mine was that you are more avaliable for him to instruct and guide (though we will remain feeling lost). This is D-Day but there were many days that followed and preceeded d-day. We will fight da Germans tomorrow but today will be finished. Today will be behind us.
I guess all I can really say is that I love you, I still feel angry and sad about what happend between you and tia and I don't understand why. I love you though and know that it sucks right now, we will always have the scars of war on us but it doesnt mean that we have not faught hard and bravely. In the end I love Portland, I have come to love my children and am loving/learning to love my husband (who is a gem of gems. if i had gotten pregnat with any other guy i had done it wiht i would have been in so much more shit i cannot imagine. He takes care of us while we are in the trenches, I knew nate for two months! God will take you and make something most beautiful, it is just painful and we often cry or curse in the midst of it all.
I love you.
your sister