I've got a lot to confess.

I'm reading through Donald Miller's Blue Like Jazz for the first time right now. I just finished the chapter on confession, in which Miller tells the story of how he and some of his Christian friends built a confession booth on the Reed campus, and how they confessed the wrong-doings of people throughout history done in the name of Jesus.

I'm not here to do that. Those things have been said before, and although I resonate with the need to apologize for all the wrongs done in His name, this is not the place for that. Rather, I want to figure out what it is I am doing, so that people years from now won't have to apologize for my actions.

I'm going to seminary. Not actively, mind you. I'm in a bit of a transitional period right now. Nonetheless, I have that title to my name. People look at you differently when they know you're a Christian. I met with my Regional Manager, Tracy York, earlier today while I was at work. She remembered a lot about me, first of which was that I was going to school to work in the ministry. She's not a Christian, and I'm not sure what her views are about the faith on the whole. For all I know, I may be one of the few interactions she knowingly has with a Christian. I hope that I'm doing a good job...

But what am I really doing? There's a lot of things that I'm NOT doing so that I can avoid falling into the whole "hypocrite" category. But we're all hypocrites at one level or another. I tell people I'm a Christian, but I don't fill my life with Jesus all the time. I don't live my entire life for Him. I only live as much of it that is convenient for me. Last I checked, dying on a cross for my sins wasn't a very convenient thing for Jesus to do - and He's not asking anything of that caliber from me. He's asking me to stop being a moron, stop claiming His name without living it.

Here's my confession. I'm a convenient Christian. I do not mean to belittle my actions or my faith, but I'm weak. I can do so much more with the time and the life that Christ has given to me, and I'm actively letting Him down by wanting to waste time on Facebook, watch movies I've seen a dozen times before, take needless naps, apply for jobs that don't truly interest me. If I was really on fire for God the way Jesus was committed to saving me from my sins, I'd be out there applying to churches, finding a place in the ministry down in So Cal where I could live out my faith on a regular basis and make an impact on God's children; not just the ones who don't know Him yet, but on those who have an idea about Jesus, but are stuck in the same place I'm at right now.

Looking back on this past weekend (on a completely unrelated note, I LOVED dueling Patrick), I was amazed by the passion that was felt at Reality church in Hollywood. I did lunch with a guy named Zakk, another man named Duncan, and a few others. Zakk had met Duncan earlier in the week and invited him to church. Who have I invited to church recently? Then at lunch, they sat and talked about spirituality and the faith. Sure, the conversation didn't go down exactly as Zakk had planned, but his intentions were just. He had a deep-rooted passion for spreading the word. I sat back in amusement because of Zakk's overwhelming and agressive tactics. But who am I to judge? I'm not doing any better.

So let's start a new trend, right here and now in my life. I don't know how its going to manifest itself, so I'll keep praying for that part of it; but I need to share my faith. I need to let others know about the love and sacrifice that Jesus made for me, and how He does satisfy all of my needs, wants, and desires. I'm nothing without Him, but because He's part of my life, I have everything.

Can I ask a favor of you? Pray for me - that I can meet God half way in providing me with the courage to spread His love, His word, and His message to the world around me.

...when I realized how desperately I needed Him.

I've been down in So Cal for the last couple of days. I'm trying to line things up for me to transfer to Talbot seminary at BIOLA, and also to secure a job (or two) for myself while I'm here. All of that is so trivial compared to this morning. Today I drove from Whittier to Hollywood so that I could attend Reality church in LA.

Leigh Hussman had been telling me how she wanted our friend Becca and I to come and see this church for the last six months or so. Today was that day, and how appropriate. Honestly, I feel like it was God's plan for me to be there, to experience that message, to live with that community of believers today.

Have you ever been in church, and you can really hear the worship band up in front as well as some of the people around you singing, but on the whole, it seems like it should be a lot louder if the other 600 people in the room were singing? Today we filled the ampetheatre, about 850 people in all, and when I stood there praising God through song, I could hear - no - I could feel that everyone in the room was singing praises right along side me. It wasn't an audience, they were opening up their hearts unto the Lord. It was a community of believers. It was 850 people who weren't at church because it was the thing to do on a Sunday morning, it was a body of believers who had created a home for themselves.

I've never really felt that before. I'd say at least 80% or more were under the age of 30 there. It was all people who would be called "youth" by the forces that be, yet these people are the generation that is rising up to claim their faith and make it new, make it whole, make it central to the world around them. I loved my time there this morning. It was so fresh and invigorating to feel and see peoples' hearts open up to His word and just praise Him, responding to His call in their lives.

Then Pastor Tim spoke. Thats when I realized that beyond me trying to be responsible about school and work this weekend, that God wanted me to be here. Tim's message opened up my eyes to my life, my idols, my brokenness. Being in seminary and studying scripture had blinded me to the fact that I still need Jesus. No level of discipline or right-behavior negates this primary fact. You see, its a life-long journey that we are on. At no point do we reach a plateau and find that we've got enough God for now. You can't say to yourself, "You know what? I think I'm spiritual enough right now. My walk with God is good enough for now. I'm good." I fooled myself into thinking that because I was always studying Scripture, that I had a healthy relationship with Christ. I fooled myself into thinking that I was capable of getting through these depressing times, and that I was strong enough to forge a new path through the changes that are happening.

Boy was I wrong. Tim's message was on sexual brokenness. We examined how culture viewed sexuality over the years, and then about how the Bible viewed sexuality. From there, we looked at what a couple of "professionals" had to say on the subject. Great information, and he did a great job of bringing it in an entertaining yet educational yet relational fashion. But then Tim started talking about idols, and how we as humans make created things our idols so easily.

Initially, I brushed such ideas off easily. There's no way I've got idols running my life. But its true. I do. I've made several idols in my life which are keeping me from experiencing Christ in my life. Jesus (ideally) permeates every aspect of one's life. Sadly, I ended up making things such as relationships, sex (not just the act, but society's concept of it), work, education, and my social life all idols of sorts. I'm so distracted from Jesus, that I often fail to experience Him in my life. And then there's the disappointment. Tim explained that because we make these things our idols so readily, we experience the frustration when they disappoint us because the AREN'T GOD. We have turned to them to fill Jesus' role in our lives, and when they disappoint we are hurt because they couldn't live up to the high standard to which God IS.

Its when you realize the depravity to which you exist that you can finally realize how much you need - hear me - need Jesus in your life. He's the only thing that satisfies. We look to girlfriends, spouses, money, jobs, or status to fulfill our desires, only to find ourselves lacking. Jesus is the one sure-fire thing in this world that can meet our needs. Our REAL needs. When we are able to set our entire lives upon Him, we find ourselves without needs. Every aspect of our lives are full - and happy. Have you ever wanted to really, truly be happy? Do you ever find yourself depressed and wanting? I heard and realized today that I've turned to relationships, sex, and education to bring me happiness. I thought that by being married I'd be a happy person. I thought that by having a better body I'd be happier. I assumed that by going and getting my M.Div that I'd be happy. I know now in my soul the truth. I have only but to fill my life up with Jesus, and everything else will be able to bring glory to Him, the Creator.

God has my best interests in mind, and He knows how to make my life whole. I feel blessed to have experienced the message today, invigorated towards making Christ more of my life. I loved Reality. It was a great church, an authentic community of believers. This church makes me excited to move down to southern California.

...to all the songs I've loved before

Revelation is kinda like having an epiphany, except for the fact that you had no role in coming to know and understand it, it was just brought before you.

I had a revelation today. I played no role in its development, it was suddenly just there. My heart is breaking, daily. There's so much joy in the world, in worship, in friendship, in love. But you can strip joy out of your world, and when that is done - what remains? What does one fill it with?

My answer is trust. Unrelenting trust. That's all that I've got right now. I ran through a dark time in my life where I didn't have much trust, nor the aforementioned bringers of joy, and I was without light. But after a talk with one of my best friends this afternoon, I realized what I have. I have trust. I trust in love, in marriage, in friends, in God (above all else). I'm a bit optimistic, a bit unrealistic, a bit hopeless.

But why not, I ask you? What are you living for when the things you love are gone? Hope is a precious thing. When our country is going through such uncertainty, when people are subdued on anti-depressants, alcohol, and weed that they can't function, when the dollar isn't worth jack, where is your hope? Without hope, what are you living for?

My hope is in tomorrow, in the future, in God, and in love. Love is kinda like chocolate cake. Once you've had a taste (unless you're a diabetic), you just want more. I've gotta admit, I want to know love again. In time, I trust that God will show me love in this life.

Trust.

Breaking Down

Not as serious as it sounds. Today was one heck of a day. With work not starting until 9 AM, you'd think I might have slept in until 8 or so. Not me - I had the genius of an idea to wake up around 6:30 so that I could bake some cupcakes to take to work, to treat all my coworkers with a little bit of freakin' sunshine. Not today.

You see, the cupcakes were my downfall. They destroyed me today. No, its not that I ate a half dozen and I'll never work off the calories or the fat, but rather that they began a horrible chain of events that left me mentally, physically, and emotionally destroyed.

I started up some laundry before I began work on the cupcakes, just some colors so I'd have something nice to wear today. Then I got into the making of the cupcakes, only to find that there were no eggs. Bah. I easily pushed all of that stuff aside, and decided that I'd make them another day. So, with little else to do, I made myself a bowl of cereal and ate it while watching some birds feed outside the window.

I should not have delayed. When I finished my cereal and turned around, the kitchen and laundry room were FLOODED. The pickin' washing machine had overflowed, and so once I got it to stop, I spent the next half hour shop-vacuuming the rooms. ::sigh:: tired, i went to do some ab workouts and check my Facebook. After a bit, I realized I hadn't heard the buzzer for the washing machine, and whadda ya know? It did it again. 30 minutes later, everything looked pristine and clean, and the floors were dry again. It was about 8 am by now (you see? I really should have stayed in bed), and so I needed to start getting ready for work. I showerd and got dressed. By the time I was ready to go out the door a moment of paranoia struck... Wait. What happened to the clothes? Not again! I thought I had fixed it! I peered off to the kitchen - all looked well.

Then I saw the dry spot. Crap. There was so much water flooding the laundry room, kitchen, and dining room that the "odd spots" weren't the wet ones, they were the dry areas - and there weren't many left. I called into work, telling them what happened. 45 minutes later, I hated my day, and it was only 9:30.

As far as work goes, I've got some of the best coworkers. I can prove it because they put up with me today. I was a walking disaster. Let's just leave it at this: don't screw with the people who make your food. UGH. So I've got tomorrow off, and I'm really going to need it so that I can go back and actually do my job.

The silver lining to my day was working out - it feels great. Its just going to take time for me to really get into the habit of things.

In my next entry, I'll talk a bit about yesterday, how glorious it was, and Benjamin Button (a VERY interesting movie).

Now then, its nearly 8 PM and I've got places to be! The real test is going to be if I can make it through these last 4 hours without getting myself into some REAL trouble!

(PS, read Jeremiah. Interesting book.)

...I'm just so uncomfortable in my own skin

So much going on, so little time to write about it. Typical complaint, I know.

Thursday night was the NCAA Football BCS Championship game, and even though my Sooners lost, it wasn't a letdown. I really enjoyed the game despite the disappointment. We had a good time hanging out at Satellite watching the game and having dinner. Marcus freakin' McClure is always good for a laugh. We had some fun talking trash thoughout the game... although I haven't figured out why he's a Florida fan.

But the best part of the night came after the game. A group of probably 12-14 of us went and saw Jim Carey's "The Yes Man." Its BY FAR the best movie I've seen all year! Its great to see Jim Carey doing classic slapstic type humor. I mean, I appreciate some the films he's done in the last several years, but when you think of Jim Carey, you want to see something that's gonna crack you up, and this doesn't disappoint. Its nearly a remake of "Liar Liar," but he keeps things fresh enough to be enjoyable. Good ol' Tilley.

Last night I had the chance to hang out with mi amigos again, this time over at Becca's parents' house. Results of the evening are as follows: Brigette can't play baseball. At all. Not even a little bit. Becca is by far the best Wii bowler I've ever seen - I'll upload a picture later. Oh, and let's not forget the night's crowning achievement: the MEN dominated at Scene It. Chris Duck, JT, Brent, David Chavez and I were unstoppable... until we lost the last game, that is.

That's all nice and well, but in reality, I'm terribly confused right now.

With the drastic changes that are going on in my life, I don't know how to act. I mean, part of my identity (or at least my identity of the last 5 years) is gone, and I'm all off-balance socially because of it. I'm realizing that I'm being over-the-top and off-the-wall right now, and I just want to relax and calm down. The problem is, I don't know what that looks like for me right now, or at least what its supposed to. So "thanks" to everyone who is bearing with me right now, I promise I'll come out more sane in the end; but for now I'm just so uncomfortable in my own skin its nerve-wracking.

If I'm around in a month or so, I think I just comitted to playing on praise teams for the True Love Waits conference Valentine's Day weekend. It should be interesting, and I do need to get my cello out more often. So smile. Things are crazy right now, but I've got great friends all around me, people who love and support me, and co-workers who tolerate me. Give it a month - we'll see where we're at.

...but it was everything I had hoped it would be - and more.

I've been talking about doing this whole blog thing for a while now, but always felt conflicted. I never felt that I really did enough with myself to justify writing it somewhere where some random stranger might read about it and find it amusing, if not entertaining.

Then again, these last few months have been crazy, and now I'm stuck spinning my wheels, I don't know which path to take. You see, I'm in what someone might call a real "transition" period in my life. I'm either going to end up moving down south to La Mirada, CA and live with some of my friends from back in the day, or I may find myself here in central California, searching for some real purpose. Why the move? Well, since we're just meeting one another I'll be brief. Relationships don't always work, and when you get as deeply involved as I did in my last one you've got only a couple of choices when its over: either you move, or she does. Visalia is too small a town for two people with dirt on one another to live peaceably enough. So, with that in mind I'm looking to relocate and redefine who I am.

Fortunately, I've got some of the groundwork already laid out. I'm 27, Christian, and a guy who likes to have fun. Where could I go wrong? Sadly, life isn't as simple as that. When you've been in a relationship for like, 5 years or so, when you are without that aspect of yourself, you seek to fill the gaps left behind. That's me right now, trying to fill the gaps in my identity.

Seminary. I've been in seminary for about 3 years now, and I've got about 3 more semesters to go. However, with a relocation I need to find a new school. I can't exactly commute 4 hours to and from school every week. So in the next month or so, I'll be putting in apps at Fuller and Talbot seminaries. I was talking to my friend Wendy the other day, and as we discussed the future I pondered what it is I want to be doing with myself, 5 years from now. Honestly, there was only one thing that I KNEW I wanted to be doing - serving the Lord. It was nice to know that my core desire for my future was with Him, and that at least in that moment alone, I had all my priorities straight.

So here I am, on the backside of the Holiday season, change is on the horizon, and I'm not sure which way to go. At least I know that despite the craziness of life, its been everything I had hoped it would be - and more.

Here's to tomorrow, and everything it brings.