Californication

I wasn't quite sure what the issue was. My roommate Scott and I were driving back from the grocery store, and we passed by (idled by, more like it. Ridiculous traffic.) a billboard for Shotime's program "Californication." We got into a discussion of all the trash that is on TV now a days, and somehow it shifted to the word itself, Californication. Those of you with word processors will note that the "word" Californication has one of those bright red squiggly lines beneath it. "Squiggly" doesn't even get one of those. It was my understanding that Californication isn't even a real word. Its the title of the Red Hot Chili Pepper's 1999 album, the title track, and also of David Duchovony's tv show on Shotime. Scott, however, had a completely different perception of the word and its meaning.

He is from New York, and recently moved out to California to attend Talbot seminary. He insisted that Californication was, in fact, a real word. More so, it held reliable and consistent meaning and connotation universally. Such a thing blew my mind. "Californication" has never held any real context or meaning. After Scott pulled up some definitions off of urbandictionary.com, he seemed to have a point. The word did in fact have some loosely understood definition. I had to know - was I just ignorant, or was this a cultural thing? In order to figure this whole conundrum out, I inquired of twenty friends what their understanding of "Californication" was. I made sure to get as broad a spectrum of friends as possible; Christian and non-Christian, male and female, those groudned secularly and those raised in the church, those raised in California and those who weren't, as well as those who are currently living outside of California and within.

Before moving on, let's clarify one thing: urbandictionary.com is by no means an authority. However, it is a conglomoration of ideas from across the globe at defining slang terms. In this particular instance, it happened to show support for Scott's concept of what "Californication" meant.

From the twenty-two individuals surveyed (we included Scott's opinion and my own), only three people came up with a definintion similar to the one presented online. There was Scott, one friend of his from New York, and Justin Griffin. Everyone else who responded to the question came back with very little input, ranging from "gay sex" to "the things you do that would only be accepted in California." Several individuals came back with comments to the effect that they didn't feel that the word had any definition, or that they had never really considered it a word. One individual referenced it as nothing more than the song and album by the Red Hot Chili Peppers. The most debaucherous of the responses ws "It means that our states is getting screwed so much that its very name is becoming synonymous with getting screwed."

Urbandictionary.com had this to offer:

Californication	385 up, 58 down
	Western society's pop culture and media encroachment and spread all over the world. In particular, the negative aspects of media and culture originating from within the United States' 31st State: California.

Californication	252 up, 40 down
	The spread and influence of western memes and culture, esp. that of California, across the world. Especially focusing on the selling of sex. Made of the words "California" and "fornication"

The "up" and "down" comments are signs of agreement or disagreement. From the numbers, it looks like about 85% of urbandictionary users can agree that the term Californication has something to do with the spreading of western culture and the obsession with sex, hollywood, and celebrities.

Based on the responses, Californication is not a real word, nor a term. But it does have a somewhat accepted idea behind it, and a disgusting one at that. We can't deny that the entire world is getting caught up in the disillusionment of Hollywood. People are overly-obsessed (that's right overly obsessed) with celebrities and their goings-on. The paparazzi, magazines like US Weekly and tv shows like TMZ are all culprits in this debacle, liquifying the minds of their viewers and readers, feeding the presumed importance of movie stars. Even worse, they are creating in the minds of today's youth the importance of being famous, important, becoming some kind of celebrity. I'm guilty of having had daydreams in my youth of becoming someone famous, but this is something different - we're being fed these thought from every side. Its being treated as something crucial. Something that we should all be wanting.

Californication: our world becoming obsessed with fame, fortune, and celebrities to the extent that we're loosing touch with who we are as a people. We loose ourselves to this faux world of glamor and stardom. I can see now why we don't have any real context for the word, we live within the definition. It is only by living in another culture that is being drowned out by Hollywood's onslaught that such a thing can be seen. Perspective is everything.

*special thanks to Adam de laRiva, Gloriann Boni, Anna Cofman, Leigh Cara Hussman, Ken Shrout, Thomas Ariston, Rad Beauton, Joshua Castleman, Abel Gutierrez, Patrick Grafton-Cardwell, Cody Griffin, Justin Griffin, Scott Ahern, and his friend from New York whose name I've completely forgotten.

Living Life Between the Margins

Eight-and-one-half by eleven. A full sheet of paper with which to craft your works. But that's where you're wrong - you loose a bit on every side. One inch on the sides, and inch and a half on top and bottom? Guides so that we don't get too close to the ends of the paper. Put everything you have neatly inside these prescribed lines and everyone will go home happy. What happens when we start ignoring those margins and claim all of the paper for ourselves?

I'm working with a new piece of paper myself. About five or six weeks ago, I moved down to southern California from Visalia. Its been a refreshing reboot of my systems. There was so much in Visalia that was tied to my past, tied to hurt, memories, and hopes that I was grateful to leave behind. We never leave those things behind, do we? Some of it will linger and reshape our new existence. Nevertheless, we take the good with the bad, and love the life that is lived today. I have so much to be grateful here in my new home. I have four great housemates - Patrick, Matt, Doug, and Scott. I enjoy the times that I get to share with each of them, as they're all polar opposites of one another. Its like going in to Baskin Robins, and getting four scoops of different ice creams - you love it because its ice cream. They don't mix perfectly, but individually they're all great flavors. That kinda makes me wonder what flavor of ice cream I'd be. Hmmm. Outside of the house, I'm still at Starbucks. It is a new feel at every store that I work with. At first things were quite odd because they don't do things quite right there, and it has the tendency to frustrate me to no end. I'm a bit of a legalist and structuralist, and I feel that we do things for a reason because it works best that way. Not to say it doesn't work the way we do it in my new store, but I digress. There's also the friends who live down here already. Megan GC has been down here for years, and so has Justin Griffin (and his new bride, Carrie). Carrie's sister is also down here, Christy, as well as her roommates who are all a lot of fun.

That all barely scratches the surface of what is going on in my life now - for the rest you'd have to be reading between the lines to all the unmentioned people who are dear to me and the phone conversations I've had that continue to shape my perspective and bolster my hope in the ideals Christ spoke of. I'm still writing on this new page I've found, and I like the work that I have done so far. I can see a day in the not-so-far future that I'll have filled up my page with words, works, and self-proclaimed wonders. I can only pray that God sees fit to fill me with more and to make use of all those margins that I'm levaving Him. I suppose that's the metaphor there - I want to be sure to always give God room to work in my life, so that I won't fill it up with me, me, me; that the page can be perfected in Him.

Greatest Creations of Man

Pale in comparison to His creations. The heavens and the earth, mankind, all of life. Everything from the sand on the shore to the feeling we call love. But we create through His inspiration. I have created. I have destroyed. I rejoice in those creations.


Breakfast. My dad always told me it was the most important meal of the day. I didn't start making breakfast until just a few years ago, and I've found that I truly, truly love it. Not just in the eating, I've always enjoyed that. But in the making. Cooking is a delicate art. Breakfast tends to be fairly forgiving, and even when you mess up you still have scrambled eggs. My favorite breakfast that I ever made was french toast. My mom was never a fan, as a child her mother made her eat some undercooked french toast. On this day, however, she encouraged me to make some. In my entire life, I had only known her to eat it once. She told me to go to Save Mart and buy some of their artisan bread. That morning, I made some of the lightest, most crisp, fluffy, and savory french toast I've ever had. My sister and nephew Sebastian ate some as well. Served with powdered sugar and sliced strawberries, it was a delight. I still remember the texture, and don't ever want to forget it.

Lunch. Nothing beats a lunchmeat sandwich. Ham and turkey on honey wheat bread, some chipotle mayonnaise, lettuce, tomato, and provolone cheese. I am always game for a sandwich with a side of chips, an apple, and something tasty to drink... I'm thinking of iced tea. However, there may as well be a second category for lunch, when you're doing it with friends. A hot dog at a baseball game. Toppings of your choice, but there, then, and that is always perfect. I would love to be sharing a baseball game with friends right now - a Dodgers/Giants game at that. Such a thing would be a beautiful.

Dinner. When I got married last year, it turned out that I had more "free" time than Theresa. And becuase I often got home before she did, I took it upon myself to prepare dinner regularly. My favorite dinner to make was discovered early on. Searching through a cookbook for something that sounded delectable, I discovered a pesto baked chicken, with sliced tomato and mozerella cheese melted atop it. Served with some long-grain wild rice and steamed vegetables, it makes for something truly special - perhaps some day I'll prepare it for you! Above and beyond everything else I make, this is my favorite dish to serve anyone, regardless of the things its memory is still tied to; the dish is too good to not share. I hope we can enjoy it soon.

But drinks. The drink is where your meal truly comes together. Even back in the day, when you were in elementary school. You always loved it when they served choccolate milk with lunch, or when your mom packed your favorite Capri-Sun. The rest of it was the same, even if it was E.L. Fudge cookies. But the drink washes it down, tops it off, and brings it all together. There's a different drink for every occasion. My favorite drink that I've ever made has to be a mojito. Raspberry, at that. The mojito is a difficult drink to master, and it takes lots of experience to know just how fine to crush the mint, how much of that lime to juice, the shaking, the mixing, the pour. It has to be perfect. And never neglect the details. Life is lived in the details. Such a thing can't be handled with broad strokes. The first time I made the raspberry mojito, Chris and Amelia Pitts were over visitng. It was a great evening, and my mojitos were unbeatable. I'd take one right now. Its a perfect drink for a warm day, something Visalia has no shortage of.

Dessert. I'll take two. But a good cheesecake is king here. Take your pick of how you want it, I still love it. Which happens to make me quite the sucker for the Cheesecake Factory. Paired with a Riesling, I could find hours of comfortable conversation with anyone who passed my way. Take me to the south of France, let me sit at a cafe, and enjoy the world as it spins.

Today is a very good day. Enjoy this day that the Lord has made, and hopefully soon we can share some of the food that I've had the pleasure of making. Until then, peace be with you!

D-Day

I know that D-Day is traditionally considered June 6th, 1944; the landing of Allied forces on the beaches of Normandy. This is not that D-Day.

This is my D-Day. When Theresa and I filed for divorce 6 moths ago, I felt as if it was the right thing to do, all things considered. We realized that our lives were going in completely opposite directions, and that many of our life choices did not line up in the least bit. In order for both of us to thrive, we needed to do it separately. Some things haven't changed. We still work best as friends and not lovers, now more than ever. I fear that there are certain things I may never be able to fully forgive her of, no matter how much I try to give it up and put it into the past.

If divorce is the outward expression of a broken relationship and a last resort, then it is one taken when there is no more hope for restoration. But if we have no more hope for the relationship, then what does that say about our faith?

Hebrews 11:1 states that "...faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." (TNIV) If the marriage has no hope of restoration... did I sacrifice my faith? Did I fall short? I certainly know that I sacrificed a great deal of my heart. I'm a lesser man because of it. There is an old adage that I'm sure we have all heard, "What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger." The events of the past year certainly haven't killed me - I'm alive and breathing to be sure; but I certainly am not stronger for it. I see myself broken and wounded.

I thank the state for imposing a 6-month waiting period between the filing for divorce and its finalization. The heart needs time to realize the pain that it is in, the much it must endure, the weight it now carries. It reminds me of a scene from the movie, The Neverending Story. Near the beginning, Atreu and his horse travel south to find an old oracle, who turns out to be a giant tortoise. The tortoise lives in the middle of a giant bog. Sadness causes you to loose your footing, and Atreu's horse sinks into the bog and dies becauase it is saddened by knowing there is nothing they can truly do to halt the end of their world. That bog, that swamp - is the world my heart knows having experienced divorce. I can only thank God for the fact that Theresa and I did not have any children.

To every person who has experienced divorce in their life, be it their own, their parents', their childrens' or friends', my heart goes out to you. I would give you all that I have to offer. For all of you who have not gone through it - I pray it will never touch your lives.

Live each day as if it were your last. Never stop loving those around you. Take time to find true joy in your world, and give your troubles to the Lord.

Flying off the shelves...

It's a triple threat of bad situations. On one hand, I'm not finished with my M.Div, so I can only claim that it is in progress. That also leads to #2, I need to work near a Seminary (preferably Talbot, as I don't want to have to go through the application process again; nor do I think I have time to apply anywhere else). Those two things paired with my limited official experience in the ministry is what leads to this coup de gras of my job search.

Regardless, I am determined to find reasonable employment in the ministry. Its what I've felt called to for these past three and a half years, and although my resolve waned earlier this year, I have redoubled my efforts. In the early months of 2009, I thought that I would find real employment in the public market, applying for various PR jobs as well as a few positions with Wells Fargo, Target, etc. With each job application eventually breaking down somewhere before the actual hiring of me, I realized that I had been avoiding applying for an actual job in the ministry. It wasn't until early March that I realized it had been fear crippling me from seeking work for Christ. That isn't to imply that one cannot work for Christ without being employed by the church - far from it.

Now my applications are out there. I've applied with several churches in Southern California as well as a pair in Arizona. I'm told that Phoenix is a beautiful place. I got to spend some time in Scottsdale last year, and loved it there. Only God knows where I'll wind up. There are a few certainties, though. I know that I am going to finish my M.Div. I'll be moving down to Los Angeles at the end of August - an ABSOLUTE latest. I want to be there a few weeks before school starts. Talbot in the fall, there's another thing I can count on. I am looking forward to finishing this formal education of mine, and continuing on with my real-world education, down in the trenches.

So that's it. I must respond in-kind to what I'm facing. I present to you my triple-threat response to what life is dealing me right now. Determination: I will finish my M.Div. Support. I have my friends and my family at my back, helping to see me through. Beyond just the willpower to see things through, I have tangible support from the people that I love. And lastly, God's will. I still believe that it is God's will that I serve in ministry, and I am willing to do whatever it is in His name to see that through.

Strength and Honor,
David

Day 15

I'm going crazy.

Lent is slowly killing me. But then again, is this discipline? Or at least some strange, masochistic form of it? On a more positive note, I've been to the gym every day this week. I'm starting to feel really great about myself on the whole.

I got the chance to talk with Larry Pruitt this past week, as well as Jon Venema (via e-mail). Life brings you so many opportunities, God opens so very many doors, and we have to be wise enough to understand which doors God is opening, and which paths are merely temptations disguised as His will.

Lent is stupid, but it has me more focused on God's will and plan for my life. I'm able to be more selfless, a better listener, and hopefully, a better friend. Lent is destroying my boundaries, as well as strengthening my convictions and willpower. I can't deny its value, but DANG.

If you've ever given up anything that you care about greatly for Lent, you understand the struggle. Its a healthy choice. Its a smart choice. Shoot, its even the right choice. But in no way is it the easy one.

Cheers. 31 more days to go.

A Day For...

Celebration. Why not? Its saturday, and I burnt my arm to a crisp today at work. Yay! Spilled a boat load of coffee on it, and now the skin's all sensitive. Thank God for burn cream, I won't have to deal with any scarring.

Today's Lent readig was chapter 3 of Exodus. God called Moses to return to Egypt and free the Israelites. He told Moses that He would go with him, and when Moses asked for His name, God provided Moses with the famous, "I AM who I AM" statement.

Then there was the reading I did in Chambers' My Utmost for His Highest. I didn't really get much out of today, but yesterday's was quite impactful. It spooke of how we limit God's ability to work in and through our lives because we continually deny Him and His almightiness. We come to God, seeking a sympathizer, seeking someone to carry us, but when we cannot see past our own brokenness, we deny God entrance into our problems, and try to fix them ourselves. I myself am guilty of this hundreds of times over. Looking back, I see times when I would turn to myself and my own strength to fix something because it seemed too much for me to ask of God. How silly I am.

After 4 days of Lent, I'm learning to find joy in where God has me right now. Its not easy doing the whole Visalia thing when I desire to be elsewhere, but He is providing for me, and He is showing me a great many things in the world around me. Sadly, though, that isn't going to be enough to live off of for the rest of my days. I'm looking forward to the time when He chooses to instigate change in my situation. Soon, please.

Discipline as a Matter of Practice

Just like in every good action movie you've ever seen, the hero doesn't walk in during the first half hour, identify the villians, and shoot 'em down right away. You've got to build it up some, create tension, and get the viewer invested in the storyline.

Its kinda the same with discipline. I lacked it as a kid, and its something that I still am working on to this day. The thing ab out it that lets me sleep well at night is the knowledge that I'm getting much, much better about it.

Today is day 3 of Lent. In my mind, things are beginning to become routine. Not only that, but I'm directly seeing the benefits of certain disciplines. One in particular has always been a challenge for me: tithing. So often, the complaint has been that you barely have enough money to get yourself from paycheck to paycheck, let alone giving an additional 10% of everything you get to the church. Can I really get by with only 9/10ths of what I earn?

Reading through Donald Miller's "Blue Like Jazz" changed my perspective. Donald had a friend whose life was filled with drinking, smoking, and all sorts of lascivious behavior. Through all of it, his friend adamantly refused to keep all that he earned. He gave 10% of every paycheck to the church. (Really, he kept it in a jar and would give it to the church whenever he happened to stop in.) The key concept was that he refused to steal from God. Stealing from God. No, God doesn't need the few dollars we give as tithe, but He has asked it of us. If everything that I claim to own and have is God's, then why should I have reservations about not giving this small portion of it back?

Over the last few weeks that I've been actively tithing, I've been able to see the benefits that are written about it. Since I began tithing, I've been much more aware - and much more responsible with my finances. By taking the tithe out of my income first, by putting God first in this area of my life, I have been much more active in monitoring that which God has granted to me.

Despite how much I make - I'm now actually able to save money from each paycheck - something I considered impossible granted my circumstances. God works in ways that are beyond my comprehension. Amen!

The more I practice discipline in (many, many) areas of my life, the more comfortable I become with controlling myself, my actions, and my interactions.

Day 3: Discipline

Day 2

Harder than Day 1, that's for sure. I don't think I'm really going to hit a stride with this whole Lent thing until somewhere around day 10 or so (PLEASE, God!). Until it starts to become more natural, its going to be constant struggle.

Tonight was Satellite, and Jason Neese started into a series on Lent. As Beau was talking during one of the table conversations, something dawned on me - Jesus only did the 40 days in the desert ONCE. And He was perfect! Lent is something people do year after year! Lent is far from being a reasonable observance.

Regardless, Jason did bring to light an excellent point. Because Easter does not fall on the same day each year, it often times ends up sneaking up on us. This year is different, though. With me actively giving up things in my life for Lent, I'm going to be VERY aware of when Easter is coming, and exactly how far away it is. In fact, this entire season is going to be more vivid because I'm observing Lent.

This morning's scripture reading was in Exodus 1:1-22 (basically, the whole first chapter). In Exodus 1, it speaks of the transition from the Israelites in Egypt who were known because of Joseph to a much larger collection of Israelites who were living in Egypt under a pharoh who did not know of who Joseph had been, and the special relationship that had existed. Several generations had passed, and the 70 people who were Israel upon entering Egypt (v.5) had multiplied and grown so "exceedingly strong" in number that they filled the land (v.7, ESV). So after several generations, the relationship between the Phaoroh and Israel had degenerated, and Pharoh was afraid that the people of Israel would rise up against him. Filled with fear, he enslaved the people of Israel. He also commanded that their sons be killed, and that only the daughters would be allowed to survive childbirth.

Thanks to some crafty and God-fearing midwives, the sons were allowed to live, and Israel continuted to multiply. Thats when the Pharoh commanded that the newborn sons be cast into the Nile (start thinking Moses).

The slavery that we read about today is meant to symbolize sin. Just as Israel was enslaved physically by an opressor known as the Pharoh, we as humans living broken lives on this earth, separated from God, are enslaved by our sin.

This is an interesting metaphor for our times, and from it we can extract the timeless truth from within the historical narrative. By turning the physical slavery to a metaphor for God's people, we find present-day meaning in this text.

Going back to Satellite, it was a good evening, and it had a very different feel to it this evening. The decorations were different, with the cross illuminated in the center of the room. Nathan did a great job of leaing worship, and we had an amazing turnout. Jason only began to breach the topic of Lent, but he did cover some bases as to what we are going to be looking at, as well as giving some perspective on what the observance is all about. My prayers go out to all of the Satellite leadership team, Jason included, that as we continue to study Lent each Thursday night, that it will be treated with the proper reverence and respect that this holy observance deserves.

2 days down. 44 to go.

So let's talk about fasting.

Today happens to be Ash Wednesday, the first day of Lent. No, I'm not Catholic, but there's no harm in trying to understand and make the most of the sacrifice. From what I've read, Lent is a time for us to give up things in our life which detract from our walk with Christ. Considering all the transition that I'm working through, and the VAST amounts of time that I've got while searching for meaningful, society-contributing employment, I'm in an opportune position to make some changes on the inside.

Baseball. Preseason started today. Just my luck, wouldn't you know it? So I'm giving up on baseball for the next 46 days (don't even get me started on how unfair it is that Lent actually lasts 46 days instead of the advertised 40). I have a tendency to spend too much time reading about games, how pitchers performed, studying stats and matchups. Especially with the Yankees newest pitching lineup, I'm going to have to focus to push this out of my life.

Beyond that, Lent is just FULL of fun. I'm giving up multiple things, to clear my life of obstacles. God has me here in Visalia, now. I want to make the most of everything that He has to offer me. But we have to sacrifice with purpose. Today I read Isaiah 58:1-12. In the passage it speaks of sacrifice beign consistent with the rest of your life. You cannot just fast and continue on living your life without the social commitment. I'm not going to assume myself to be any more pious or special than any other man, simply because I choose to sacrifice parts of who I am so that I can be less of me, and more of Him.

Day 1. Check. 45 more to go.

I've got a lot to confess.

I'm reading through Donald Miller's Blue Like Jazz for the first time right now. I just finished the chapter on confession, in which Miller tells the story of how he and some of his Christian friends built a confession booth on the Reed campus, and how they confessed the wrong-doings of people throughout history done in the name of Jesus.

I'm not here to do that. Those things have been said before, and although I resonate with the need to apologize for all the wrongs done in His name, this is not the place for that. Rather, I want to figure out what it is I am doing, so that people years from now won't have to apologize for my actions.

I'm going to seminary. Not actively, mind you. I'm in a bit of a transitional period right now. Nonetheless, I have that title to my name. People look at you differently when they know you're a Christian. I met with my Regional Manager, Tracy York, earlier today while I was at work. She remembered a lot about me, first of which was that I was going to school to work in the ministry. She's not a Christian, and I'm not sure what her views are about the faith on the whole. For all I know, I may be one of the few interactions she knowingly has with a Christian. I hope that I'm doing a good job...

But what am I really doing? There's a lot of things that I'm NOT doing so that I can avoid falling into the whole "hypocrite" category. But we're all hypocrites at one level or another. I tell people I'm a Christian, but I don't fill my life with Jesus all the time. I don't live my entire life for Him. I only live as much of it that is convenient for me. Last I checked, dying on a cross for my sins wasn't a very convenient thing for Jesus to do - and He's not asking anything of that caliber from me. He's asking me to stop being a moron, stop claiming His name without living it.

Here's my confession. I'm a convenient Christian. I do not mean to belittle my actions or my faith, but I'm weak. I can do so much more with the time and the life that Christ has given to me, and I'm actively letting Him down by wanting to waste time on Facebook, watch movies I've seen a dozen times before, take needless naps, apply for jobs that don't truly interest me. If I was really on fire for God the way Jesus was committed to saving me from my sins, I'd be out there applying to churches, finding a place in the ministry down in So Cal where I could live out my faith on a regular basis and make an impact on God's children; not just the ones who don't know Him yet, but on those who have an idea about Jesus, but are stuck in the same place I'm at right now.

Looking back on this past weekend (on a completely unrelated note, I LOVED dueling Patrick), I was amazed by the passion that was felt at Reality church in Hollywood. I did lunch with a guy named Zakk, another man named Duncan, and a few others. Zakk had met Duncan earlier in the week and invited him to church. Who have I invited to church recently? Then at lunch, they sat and talked about spirituality and the faith. Sure, the conversation didn't go down exactly as Zakk had planned, but his intentions were just. He had a deep-rooted passion for spreading the word. I sat back in amusement because of Zakk's overwhelming and agressive tactics. But who am I to judge? I'm not doing any better.

So let's start a new trend, right here and now in my life. I don't know how its going to manifest itself, so I'll keep praying for that part of it; but I need to share my faith. I need to let others know about the love and sacrifice that Jesus made for me, and how He does satisfy all of my needs, wants, and desires. I'm nothing without Him, but because He's part of my life, I have everything.

Can I ask a favor of you? Pray for me - that I can meet God half way in providing me with the courage to spread His love, His word, and His message to the world around me.

...when I realized how desperately I needed Him.

I've been down in So Cal for the last couple of days. I'm trying to line things up for me to transfer to Talbot seminary at BIOLA, and also to secure a job (or two) for myself while I'm here. All of that is so trivial compared to this morning. Today I drove from Whittier to Hollywood so that I could attend Reality church in LA.

Leigh Hussman had been telling me how she wanted our friend Becca and I to come and see this church for the last six months or so. Today was that day, and how appropriate. Honestly, I feel like it was God's plan for me to be there, to experience that message, to live with that community of believers today.

Have you ever been in church, and you can really hear the worship band up in front as well as some of the people around you singing, but on the whole, it seems like it should be a lot louder if the other 600 people in the room were singing? Today we filled the ampetheatre, about 850 people in all, and when I stood there praising God through song, I could hear - no - I could feel that everyone in the room was singing praises right along side me. It wasn't an audience, they were opening up their hearts unto the Lord. It was a community of believers. It was 850 people who weren't at church because it was the thing to do on a Sunday morning, it was a body of believers who had created a home for themselves.

I've never really felt that before. I'd say at least 80% or more were under the age of 30 there. It was all people who would be called "youth" by the forces that be, yet these people are the generation that is rising up to claim their faith and make it new, make it whole, make it central to the world around them. I loved my time there this morning. It was so fresh and invigorating to feel and see peoples' hearts open up to His word and just praise Him, responding to His call in their lives.

Then Pastor Tim spoke. Thats when I realized that beyond me trying to be responsible about school and work this weekend, that God wanted me to be here. Tim's message opened up my eyes to my life, my idols, my brokenness. Being in seminary and studying scripture had blinded me to the fact that I still need Jesus. No level of discipline or right-behavior negates this primary fact. You see, its a life-long journey that we are on. At no point do we reach a plateau and find that we've got enough God for now. You can't say to yourself, "You know what? I think I'm spiritual enough right now. My walk with God is good enough for now. I'm good." I fooled myself into thinking that because I was always studying Scripture, that I had a healthy relationship with Christ. I fooled myself into thinking that I was capable of getting through these depressing times, and that I was strong enough to forge a new path through the changes that are happening.

Boy was I wrong. Tim's message was on sexual brokenness. We examined how culture viewed sexuality over the years, and then about how the Bible viewed sexuality. From there, we looked at what a couple of "professionals" had to say on the subject. Great information, and he did a great job of bringing it in an entertaining yet educational yet relational fashion. But then Tim started talking about idols, and how we as humans make created things our idols so easily.

Initially, I brushed such ideas off easily. There's no way I've got idols running my life. But its true. I do. I've made several idols in my life which are keeping me from experiencing Christ in my life. Jesus (ideally) permeates every aspect of one's life. Sadly, I ended up making things such as relationships, sex (not just the act, but society's concept of it), work, education, and my social life all idols of sorts. I'm so distracted from Jesus, that I often fail to experience Him in my life. And then there's the disappointment. Tim explained that because we make these things our idols so readily, we experience the frustration when they disappoint us because the AREN'T GOD. We have turned to them to fill Jesus' role in our lives, and when they disappoint we are hurt because they couldn't live up to the high standard to which God IS.

Its when you realize the depravity to which you exist that you can finally realize how much you need - hear me - need Jesus in your life. He's the only thing that satisfies. We look to girlfriends, spouses, money, jobs, or status to fulfill our desires, only to find ourselves lacking. Jesus is the one sure-fire thing in this world that can meet our needs. Our REAL needs. When we are able to set our entire lives upon Him, we find ourselves without needs. Every aspect of our lives are full - and happy. Have you ever wanted to really, truly be happy? Do you ever find yourself depressed and wanting? I heard and realized today that I've turned to relationships, sex, and education to bring me happiness. I thought that by being married I'd be a happy person. I thought that by having a better body I'd be happier. I assumed that by going and getting my M.Div that I'd be happy. I know now in my soul the truth. I have only but to fill my life up with Jesus, and everything else will be able to bring glory to Him, the Creator.

God has my best interests in mind, and He knows how to make my life whole. I feel blessed to have experienced the message today, invigorated towards making Christ more of my life. I loved Reality. It was a great church, an authentic community of believers. This church makes me excited to move down to southern California.

...to all the songs I've loved before

Revelation is kinda like having an epiphany, except for the fact that you had no role in coming to know and understand it, it was just brought before you.

I had a revelation today. I played no role in its development, it was suddenly just there. My heart is breaking, daily. There's so much joy in the world, in worship, in friendship, in love. But you can strip joy out of your world, and when that is done - what remains? What does one fill it with?

My answer is trust. Unrelenting trust. That's all that I've got right now. I ran through a dark time in my life where I didn't have much trust, nor the aforementioned bringers of joy, and I was without light. But after a talk with one of my best friends this afternoon, I realized what I have. I have trust. I trust in love, in marriage, in friends, in God (above all else). I'm a bit optimistic, a bit unrealistic, a bit hopeless.

But why not, I ask you? What are you living for when the things you love are gone? Hope is a precious thing. When our country is going through such uncertainty, when people are subdued on anti-depressants, alcohol, and weed that they can't function, when the dollar isn't worth jack, where is your hope? Without hope, what are you living for?

My hope is in tomorrow, in the future, in God, and in love. Love is kinda like chocolate cake. Once you've had a taste (unless you're a diabetic), you just want more. I've gotta admit, I want to know love again. In time, I trust that God will show me love in this life.

Trust.

Breaking Down

Not as serious as it sounds. Today was one heck of a day. With work not starting until 9 AM, you'd think I might have slept in until 8 or so. Not me - I had the genius of an idea to wake up around 6:30 so that I could bake some cupcakes to take to work, to treat all my coworkers with a little bit of freakin' sunshine. Not today.

You see, the cupcakes were my downfall. They destroyed me today. No, its not that I ate a half dozen and I'll never work off the calories or the fat, but rather that they began a horrible chain of events that left me mentally, physically, and emotionally destroyed.

I started up some laundry before I began work on the cupcakes, just some colors so I'd have something nice to wear today. Then I got into the making of the cupcakes, only to find that there were no eggs. Bah. I easily pushed all of that stuff aside, and decided that I'd make them another day. So, with little else to do, I made myself a bowl of cereal and ate it while watching some birds feed outside the window.

I should not have delayed. When I finished my cereal and turned around, the kitchen and laundry room were FLOODED. The pickin' washing machine had overflowed, and so once I got it to stop, I spent the next half hour shop-vacuuming the rooms. ::sigh:: tired, i went to do some ab workouts and check my Facebook. After a bit, I realized I hadn't heard the buzzer for the washing machine, and whadda ya know? It did it again. 30 minutes later, everything looked pristine and clean, and the floors were dry again. It was about 8 am by now (you see? I really should have stayed in bed), and so I needed to start getting ready for work. I showerd and got dressed. By the time I was ready to go out the door a moment of paranoia struck... Wait. What happened to the clothes? Not again! I thought I had fixed it! I peered off to the kitchen - all looked well.

Then I saw the dry spot. Crap. There was so much water flooding the laundry room, kitchen, and dining room that the "odd spots" weren't the wet ones, they were the dry areas - and there weren't many left. I called into work, telling them what happened. 45 minutes later, I hated my day, and it was only 9:30.

As far as work goes, I've got some of the best coworkers. I can prove it because they put up with me today. I was a walking disaster. Let's just leave it at this: don't screw with the people who make your food. UGH. So I've got tomorrow off, and I'm really going to need it so that I can go back and actually do my job.

The silver lining to my day was working out - it feels great. Its just going to take time for me to really get into the habit of things.

In my next entry, I'll talk a bit about yesterday, how glorious it was, and Benjamin Button (a VERY interesting movie).

Now then, its nearly 8 PM and I've got places to be! The real test is going to be if I can make it through these last 4 hours without getting myself into some REAL trouble!

(PS, read Jeremiah. Interesting book.)

...I'm just so uncomfortable in my own skin

So much going on, so little time to write about it. Typical complaint, I know.

Thursday night was the NCAA Football BCS Championship game, and even though my Sooners lost, it wasn't a letdown. I really enjoyed the game despite the disappointment. We had a good time hanging out at Satellite watching the game and having dinner. Marcus freakin' McClure is always good for a laugh. We had some fun talking trash thoughout the game... although I haven't figured out why he's a Florida fan.

But the best part of the night came after the game. A group of probably 12-14 of us went and saw Jim Carey's "The Yes Man." Its BY FAR the best movie I've seen all year! Its great to see Jim Carey doing classic slapstic type humor. I mean, I appreciate some the films he's done in the last several years, but when you think of Jim Carey, you want to see something that's gonna crack you up, and this doesn't disappoint. Its nearly a remake of "Liar Liar," but he keeps things fresh enough to be enjoyable. Good ol' Tilley.

Last night I had the chance to hang out with mi amigos again, this time over at Becca's parents' house. Results of the evening are as follows: Brigette can't play baseball. At all. Not even a little bit. Becca is by far the best Wii bowler I've ever seen - I'll upload a picture later. Oh, and let's not forget the night's crowning achievement: the MEN dominated at Scene It. Chris Duck, JT, Brent, David Chavez and I were unstoppable... until we lost the last game, that is.

That's all nice and well, but in reality, I'm terribly confused right now.

With the drastic changes that are going on in my life, I don't know how to act. I mean, part of my identity (or at least my identity of the last 5 years) is gone, and I'm all off-balance socially because of it. I'm realizing that I'm being over-the-top and off-the-wall right now, and I just want to relax and calm down. The problem is, I don't know what that looks like for me right now, or at least what its supposed to. So "thanks" to everyone who is bearing with me right now, I promise I'll come out more sane in the end; but for now I'm just so uncomfortable in my own skin its nerve-wracking.

If I'm around in a month or so, I think I just comitted to playing on praise teams for the True Love Waits conference Valentine's Day weekend. It should be interesting, and I do need to get my cello out more often. So smile. Things are crazy right now, but I've got great friends all around me, people who love and support me, and co-workers who tolerate me. Give it a month - we'll see where we're at.

...but it was everything I had hoped it would be - and more.

I've been talking about doing this whole blog thing for a while now, but always felt conflicted. I never felt that I really did enough with myself to justify writing it somewhere where some random stranger might read about it and find it amusing, if not entertaining.

Then again, these last few months have been crazy, and now I'm stuck spinning my wheels, I don't know which path to take. You see, I'm in what someone might call a real "transition" period in my life. I'm either going to end up moving down south to La Mirada, CA and live with some of my friends from back in the day, or I may find myself here in central California, searching for some real purpose. Why the move? Well, since we're just meeting one another I'll be brief. Relationships don't always work, and when you get as deeply involved as I did in my last one you've got only a couple of choices when its over: either you move, or she does. Visalia is too small a town for two people with dirt on one another to live peaceably enough. So, with that in mind I'm looking to relocate and redefine who I am.

Fortunately, I've got some of the groundwork already laid out. I'm 27, Christian, and a guy who likes to have fun. Where could I go wrong? Sadly, life isn't as simple as that. When you've been in a relationship for like, 5 years or so, when you are without that aspect of yourself, you seek to fill the gaps left behind. That's me right now, trying to fill the gaps in my identity.

Seminary. I've been in seminary for about 3 years now, and I've got about 3 more semesters to go. However, with a relocation I need to find a new school. I can't exactly commute 4 hours to and from school every week. So in the next month or so, I'll be putting in apps at Fuller and Talbot seminaries. I was talking to my friend Wendy the other day, and as we discussed the future I pondered what it is I want to be doing with myself, 5 years from now. Honestly, there was only one thing that I KNEW I wanted to be doing - serving the Lord. It was nice to know that my core desire for my future was with Him, and that at least in that moment alone, I had all my priorities straight.

So here I am, on the backside of the Holiday season, change is on the horizon, and I'm not sure which way to go. At least I know that despite the craziness of life, its been everything I had hoped it would be - and more.

Here's to tomorrow, and everything it brings.